By faith he made his home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country; he lived in tents, as did Isaac and Jacob, who were heirs with him of the same promise.
Hebrews 11:9
What’s wrong?
If we believe this, we are . . .
acknowledging that what we have/who we are dating is bad.
welcoming problems, pain, and (quite possibly) sin into our lives.
lacking faith that God will provide.
underestimating the importance of our relationship/future marriage.
When we settle for people we do not like, who we don’t believe are godly, or who we aren’t completely smitten by, we are doing ourselves and the other individual a huge disfavor. If this guy/girl is not living an admirable Christian life, they can lead you into spiritual problems. If you are scared no one will ever be with you besides a crummy schmuck, remember, God promises to give you all you need. If the guy/girl you are dating doesn’t know that your affection is lacking, you can hurt him/her very deeply.
There are so many problems with dating someone you do not admire, respect, and treasure. Not to mention how it can affect your marriage (you end up marrying some nasty person or investing too much that should’ve been invested into your husband/wife). This list could go on and on.
What do we do?
There’s a verse that I think can really help this falsehood:
Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. James 1:17
Is the person you are dating a good and perfect gift? If not, it didn’t come from God. Don’t get me wrong, every couple has their problems; it’s expected—we are sinful! But temptation from Satan is different than trials and discipline from God. (Read verses 12-15; it’s true!) Yes, we’re sinful but God offers forgiveness and the Holy Spirit offers strength. Therefore, carefully analyze your relationship. Satan’s always looking for a way to trap us; make sure it’s not through your relationship.
So, if it’s you that someone is settling with, step it up! It doesn’t have to be that way. And if you are settling with someone, pray about it, check yourself for problems, and leave a bad relationship with faith that God will provide a new one.
God’s children are not promised bad things. On the contrary, we are given more than we could ever deserve! Remember that relationships are also a gift from God. He expects them to honor Him, and if settling with an unworthy companion is not honoring Him, it is time to fix it or leave it.
If you have any advice or thoughts on this subject, feel free to leave a comment! I am no master of relationships. I am just sharing what I have learned.
This is the easiest lie to believe. You can replace boyfriend with anything--fiancee, girlfriend, a job, etc. And let's be honest, we should replace I need with I want. Sometimes we think having a romantic confidant will fix our problems. We tell ourselves, "I will never be lonely," "Someone will always know the right words to say," "I will always be in a better mood," "I will have someone who understands what I am going through." While those wishes are really, very, terribly, easy to want, there is no way any human can grant those wishes. There is not a magic person who can come in your life and fix everything. And, there never will be. It seems depressing, I know.
So can anyone be trusted? Should I ever look for a decent guy? Whats wrong with wanting a boyfriend?
Of course dating is alright. The best part of being imperfect people is realizing we're all in the same boat! None of us are perfect and can "fix" each other. But, there is a problem with believing you need a boy/girlfriend.
Here is our problem:
We seek in humans what should be sought for in God. We begin to misunderstand the point of relationships. We base our identity and self-worth on who we do/do not date. We forget our lives' true purpose and goal.
The truth: 1. Love is not about needing.
"I need a girlfriend because I want someone to love me." "I need a boyfriend because I want compassion." As logical as this might sound, love is not about what you can get. Throughout the Bible, true love is compared to the love Christ had.
Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. Ephesians 5:1-2
This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. 1 John 3:16
Christ's love was sacrificial. Love is not about what we need. It is giving of ourselves in the name of God. We shouldn't seek people to give us love, to show us compassion, to give us grace. We should be doing this for others in the name of God with no reward expected .
For Christ's love compels us . . . And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again. 2 Corinthians 5:14-15
2. Contentment in God.
When we believe we need a person to fulfill us, we are forsaking what Christ has offered us. He is the creator of everything! You want love? He is love. You want guidance? He is all-knowing. The list goes on and on.
You need grace? God is grace.-2 Timothy 2:1
You need peace? God is the God of peace.-1 Thessalonians 5:23
You need some you can trust? God is ruler of all and in control.-Colossians 1:15-17
You need a blessing? God grants spiritual blessings.-Ephesians 1:3
You need love? Nothing can separate you from His love.- Romans 8:35-39
Humans are not the origins of any of these things we desire. They are only found in God. When you realize you, or any other guy or girl, don't have the power, love, grace, etc. you seek, look to God and He graciously gives those things. Realize your weakness and neediness, and He will follow through.
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9
What do you do?
1. Crucify the desire to need anything but God. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Galatians 5:24
2. Realize your desire is for Him.
We know that the whole creation has been groaning...we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies...we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. Romans 8:22-23, 25
3. Remember your true purpose is not looking for a boyfriend.
...God gave me to be a minister of Christ Jesus to the Gentiles with the priestly duty of proclaiming the gospel of God... Romans 15:15-16
You won't miss out on a guy or girl by following God's purpose for your life. He can place a lady or gent in your path as a benefit to your ministry. How will you know?
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:2
When we realize all we need is Him, I believe He blesses us with more than we could have ever wished for.
1. I need a boyfriend. 2. This emptiness I feel must be where a guy's supposed to fit. 3. Nothing better is going to come along. 4. I don't deserve anything good. 5. When I find the right guy, it'll be like a Disney fairytale.
These are some questions that I find myself and other gals asking themselves. Actually, some of these questions aren't limited to females. Most "young adults," as we are affectionately labeled, start to panic when people our age start finding their "perfect matches." "What's wrong with me? Should I have already found this person?" Even people of younger age struggle with this same concept. "I'm the only girl in high school who hasn't dated anyone." "I need help, someone to comfort me, and I guess it only comes from having a girl/boyfriend." If we're honest, many of us struggle with this.
We all want to be loved.
The question I want to focus on is numero dos. This emptiness I feel must be where a guy (or gal) is supposed to fit.
The first problem I think we have is wrongly evaluating our emptiness. A lot of us don't realize we have something missing; maybe that's why we so blindly seek relationships to crutch our hidden insecurities. When you're sitting alone, in the silence, what questions come to your mind? What do you feel? Sometimes, what comes to mind is too much for us to handle alone. Instead of filling our minds with other people, relationships, hectic schedules--"noise," let's learn to turn to the best listener, advice giver, and confidant we have ever had. Our Maker.
These questions and emotions we keep hidden are often things we find wrong about ourselves. Things we may even find wrong with our relationship with God. If we evaluate these things, the majority, if not all of them, boil down to something missing in our relationship with God. Our faith is placed in something else, we have made other things more important, we believe we alone have power to fix our problems. We sometimes seek the attention of the opposite sex to place a band-aid over these hurts instead of seeking God who will actually heal the wounds.
So how do we fix this? Because obviously relationships, love, etc. are from God. He wants us to find someone who makes us a better person and makes our walk with God even better!
Acknowledge the problems and sin you have in your life. Being prideful people who are afraid of disappointing our Maker, this is often very difficult. Understand that you aren't disappointing God when you recognize your problems and seek Him to fix them. He exists to help you. He loves it. Don't be afraid to take advantage of all the power and love He shares with us.
Once you've recognized these insecurities and have given them to God, take time strengthening your relationship with Him. Rebuild your dependency on Him. Since we are imperfect, this will not be an overnight fix. Pray without ceasing. Seek His opinion throughout your day. When your time is consumed with praising and thanking God, you will not have time to think about yourself or your insecurities.
Once you have sacrificed your problems to God and have dedicated your time to Him, figure out ways to share all He has given you. Living a life dependent on God is a life full of learning. This is when God will place ladies or gents in our lives with which we can build relationships. It's a process of taking what God has given you and giving to other people. Trust that He will provide for you. In the end, the relationship you find with God's help is unbelievably better than one you used as a band-aid to your problems.
Remember, seek Him first. After reading through 1 John I am convinced that we will not be able to love someone without having our loving relationship with God in correct order first. Seek Him before you seek one made from His image. Logically, it makes perfect sense to first seek the one who made us--the ones with the problems.
Trust the hand that made you. Hang in there and don't get discouraged.
Spend time in praise and thanksgiving and you won't have time to worry about anything else.
IMPORTANT SIDE NOTE: As seen in the Bible and in the lives of some of His believers, the fact you have your relationship with Him in order does not guarantee finding your "perfect match." God obviously has the authority to do whatever He wants to with our lives. Realize this as you trust your steps to Him.
A 2 part discussion on a girl's role in a relationship.
(Although specifically written for females, the subject remains a mutual discussion nonetheless.)
The constant bantering of Tom and Jerry keeps many people laughing. Unfortunately, this humor all too well reminds some of their comical love lives, or better, the lack thereof.The constant running and exhaustion of all your efforts only to find someone who keeps ignoring you and stealing your cheese . Why does this happen? I believe a huge protagonist of this unnecessary Cat and Mouse game are the females who believe it is their duty to pursue males. I believe simple logic and Scripture gives good reason for a man to always be the pursuer in a relationship.
First, consider the creation of man--the beginning of the perfect relationship. God first created Adam, gave him a job, and sent him on his way. It was then realized that Adam did not have a suitable partner. So God, in all His glory, created Eve for Adam. Notice who realized Adam needed a mate. Was it Eve? No. God was perfectly capable to notice when His creation needed something He had not provided and then thoroughly fulfill this need. Is He not also capable to directly provide for us? Also notice how God formed Eve. God could have created Eve from dirt, a leaf, or air but instead He formed her from Adam’s own body. Eve had no need to pursue Adam, he knew she was part of him.
Put it into action:
1. Have enough faith that God will use you to fulfill that need in someone else. God is fully able to provide for our needs, especially involving relationships. Believe that He will work through His "Adams" to help them first realize their needs and then use you to complete that void.
2. If your Adam is walking with God, He will recognize what, or better who, is part of him. No, this does not mean everyone will find love at first sight; however, I do believe it means as Christians we can recognize godly characteristics in every person. If you truly believe God is master over everything, including relationships, He has created people who can recognize His will when they see it.
Second, consider the roles of male and female found in Ephesians 5:22-33. In these verses, it is explicably commanded that wives submit to their husbands. You may be thinking, “Whew, I’m off the hook. I’m not married yet.” Think again. What is the purpose of dating? To find the one you will marry. Therefore, you should treat every dating relationship as a precursor to marriage. Yes, love grows with time and your emotions and beliefs may change; however, the basic roles of male and female do not change, and if you are preparing for a life with someone, you should start preparing yourself now. This is easily done by following Ephesians 5.
Submissive Waiting: “What does it mean to submit? I’m not married to him. We’re not even dating!” These are valid questions, and while submission takes on many forms in a relationship, I simply want to address its role in the pursuit of one. Females can submit to a male by allowing them to choose who they want to date and in what way they wish to pursue. It is often difficult to wait on the guy, especially when he does not mimic the leadership role found in verse 23. It is crucial to wait on a man who is striving to be like Christ as the head of the church. The man, while not married, should be striving to be a leader that directs people to God. When it's hard to find a verse 23 guy, we as girls often get discouraged; however, shouldn’t we as Christian women be looking for a strong Christian guy who follows the biblical example? If so, keep your humble attitude and wait for a guy who is. Remember why you are waiting.
Beware: It is impossible and unhealthy for you to submit under a guy who does not follow his God-given biblical responsibilities. It will only create an unhealthy and unbiblical relationship and result in tremendous pain. God doesn't want you to face this, so wait.
Put it into action:
1. Take dating seriously
2. Realize submission isn’t just for married people.
3. Are you truly dating with the right intentions? If so, base your relationships off the closest Biblical example we have of them: marriage.
4. Be willing to wait for the man of God who realizes who he is, especially in regard to Eph. 5.
(There is a good amount that can be discussed on this matter of submission, but I hope you realize the basic meaning I am trying to convey and realize that dating is not marriage by any means but should be treated as the meaningful precursor.)
I hope these two Scriptural-based arguments help support the logical reasons for males being the pursuers in relationships. Girls, have enough respect for who you are in Christ to follow after the examples He has given us in His word. You are more important than desperate cat and mouse games. If you believe everything in God’s word then you believe He knew you before you were born and has a plan for you.
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11
Believe. He will see the need and follow through.
To be continued. . . (Attempted answers to questions every girl asks herself. Especially about guys.)
